The Peanut Tracker

Hi everyone,

I came across this column in the “Big Laughs” section of Baby Talk Magazine (Spring/Summer 2007 issue) and thought you’d get a laugh out of it like I did. Those of you who’ve been pregnant–or who have wives who’ve been pregnant–can totally relate to this!

- Tania

(Bigger version here)
(Since the picture didn’t come out too great, we’ve typed it up real quick below the photo.)

Cafe Preggers

We always have just what you want, at any stage of pregnancy–from the queezy beginning to those last weeks when the baby has taken up every once of spare room in your belly.

First Trimester Menu

Appetizer

Tums Compote

Entree

Fresh Saltines on a bed of Saltines, lightly seasoned with Saltines

Beverage

Ginger Ale (IV drip available on request)

Dessert

Ten minutes in a dim room with an ice bag on your head

Second Trimester Menu

Appetizer

Half a roast chicken, extra crispy

Entree

A succulent leg of lamb smothered in pork chops, served with bbq ribs and garnished with cheeseburgers (all burnt beyond recognition for your safety)

Beverage

Toll House pie smoothie, prepared with 1/2 pint heavy cream

Dessert

9″ x 16″ pan of double-fudge brownies

Third Trimester Menu

(Each course followed by 15-minute neck massage and/or bathroom break.)

Appetizer

Three bites of tossed salad

Entree

Two bites of lasagna

Beverage

None–so you’ll have room for dessert

Dessert

A Tic-Tac

* Double portions available if you’re expecting twins.

By Melissa Balmain

Poor Tania.

I don’t think she’s seen the light of day for over a week. I’m kinda getting worried that our neighbors might think I’ve got her locked in a dungeon under our apartment or something. Or that she’s sleeping through the days, tired from long nights of running guns for the Pope and Elvis’ secret petunia collectors coalition. Hmm. Hey, ya never know, right?

Anyway, Tania’s nausea is subsiding somewhat and she’s kept food down consistently for a couple days now. I’ve become a regular at Baja Fresh and Jack In The Box. Pretty much the only things that Tania’s stomach didn’t object to initially were Jack’s chicken sandwiches (with no mayo) and Baja’s tacos (with light mild sauce and no onions), so we’ve kind of just stuck with what works. But I’ve got to start wearing disguises when I go in. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable when they give me the “Oh, great, here comes the guy who buys mayo’less chicken sandwiches in bulk” look. And I think I’m starting to show my annoyance when they hand me the two teensy Original Baja Tacos ordered to go, squashed together into a half-taco sized wad of foil.

As for drinks, Gatorade has been the ticket. And water, of course. Also cracking the rotation lately is Bundaberg’s Ginger Beer, of which we are enthusiasts. Mmmm. And no, it’s not alcoholic (Tania’s not beerin’ up the baby), for those of you poor souls who haven’t met Bundaberg yet.

-T

P.s. Tania is awesome. I dunno how she stays sane with all the prego-sickness, but she pushes through it like a champ. And she’s still got the mental energy to bust out intellectual C.S. Lewis conversations. What a woman!