The Peanut Tracker

So, I just felt something!

A better way to describe the feeling is, rather than “fluttering”, probably something like a little muscle spasm, but in my stomach. You know, like when your leg or arm muscle starts involuntarily wiggling, except inside my stomach, and not constant. “Flutterings”, for me, just didn’t describe it well. But I just felt Elliot now and I thought of what it feels like when I have a muscle spasm.

It’s such a neat, weird, hard-to-articulate feeling. To think there’s a little person inside me moving around! But I’m so glad that I know he’s moving around in there! With each new experience comes a greater sense of the reality of it all.

-Tania

Note from Tobias: So the first thing I do is run to get the video camera… Then I realize that, duh, he’s still in there! Doh!

Alrighty then.

So, Elliot Lewis.

(Catch up on part 1, if you need to.)

Tania and I wanted to give our son a name that contains three things: meaning, legacy, and, tying those two together, purpose. We wanted meaning containing ideas we hope Elliott will grab hold of as he grows up. But, as wonderful as meaning and ideas are, they are still abstract; to us, this alone seemed not enough. Persons, on the other hand, are real–they have life. So, what better way to add life, or realness, then to choose the name of a person (or persons) whom you admire and respect, who you believe have impacted the world for the good? So we did this. Through these things we hope to give purpose and direction to our son–not in what to become, but in who to become.

Elliot is the English variant of Elijah, which means “My God is the Lord.”

Elliot is also the last name of Elisabeth Elliot and her late husband Jim Elliot. Elisabeth Elliot had long been a huge influence in Tania’s life–a mentor, really–through her extensive writings on the Christian life, and has lately become a hero of mine as well. In the 1950’s, while they were missionaries in Ecuador attempting to reach the warring tribes of the Quichua Indians, Jim was killed by a particularly violent group of indians called the Acuas, who had been previously uncontacted. After his death, Elisabeth and others stayed in Ecuador and, eventually, helped bring peace to these tribes. Jim bravely gave up his life for something greater than himself, and Elisabeth’s wisdom and way of thinking continues to challenge and give life to people today. She’s written a ton of books, but I’d recommend Through Gates of Splendor, and, if you’re up to the personal challenge, Passion & Purity.

Lewis is the last name of the late C.S. Lewis, one of the greatest intellectual Christian authors of the twentieth century. His use of reason and his uncanny ability to bring clarity to deep issues have changed many lives, and have inspired Tania and I to continually challenge and think through our beliefs. He’s written some of the best books ever, in my opinion, and, oh yeah, you might also have heard of those Narnia books he wrote. I’d hiiiiighly recommend Mere Christianity, to either understand Christianity or better understand Christianity (worry not, he was very unpretentious, and very educated).

Also, the name Lewis is the English variant of Louis, which means “Famed Warrior.” Yep, whether by mind or otherwise, Elliot will kick your butt! (Y’know, cuz dudes kick butts. Where are my kung-fu movies… )

So there you have it–well, the short version, anyway!

-T

Elliot Lewis!

I’m sure this catches a few folks by surprise (with the possible exception of Ingrid ), since a Junior was at the top of our more public list for quite a while. But, deep down in the laboratory, strange brews were mixing, volatile concoctions were churning, and Peanut’s name was far from decided.

First the negative (why we didn’t) reasons for Elliot Lewis, then the positive (why we did) reasons in the second part of this post (plus some other blathering).
Well, for a quite a while Tania and I liked the whole “Junior” idea. We liked the meaning (“The Lord is good”, Greek version of Hebrew Tobiah), we liked the idea of handing down that part of me to our son, and, well, I guess we must’ve liked me some too. But we weren’t necessarily as keen on Lee as Peanut’s middle name. (No offense, Dad, I do love my own name!) And, though opinions differ on how strict the Junior naming rules are (i.e. whether or not you can change the middle name and still be called “Junior”), the idea of being a Junior, err, I mean, sort of a Junior, well, I mean mostly, I mean, it depends on who you ask… That just felt kinda lame. Besides, with the other strong name candidates marinating in our brains, the whole Junior thing was losing strength. And also another, more pragmatic, reason: in this day and age of information proliferation and incompetent credit bureaus, the effects of identity confusion are a pain in the butt that we don’t mind avoiding.

So, on to why we picked Elliot Lewis to be our little Peanut’s name… in part two of this post!

-T

Well, I’m at 19 1/2 weeks, now. And last week, for the first time since Peanut’s been in my belly, I’ve actually felt somewhat like a human being! I had one week of hardly any nausea and no episodes of gagging. Unfortunately, the last two days haven’t been as great as last week; I guess I took two steps forward and one step back. But at least that’s one step ahead of where I was! Now I feel like the sickness and nausea could actually cease before Peanut comes out, which is very encouraging! And getting to know Peanut more–finding out he’s a boy–has helped me deal with all this.

I don’t think I’ve felt the baby kick yet, but my doctor says it should be any time now! Tobias puts his ear to my belly and listens often. He says he’s heard little thumps from Peanut, and I think once I may have felt it when he heard it. It’s hard to tell, though, because when I try to listen my heart seems to beat so loudly in my ears. I’m looking forward to the time when I can really feel Peanut move around.

Tania

P.s. Peanut’s name has been decided! Stay tuned…

Well, I’m finally at sixteen weeks, and I’m counting down the days.

Actually, I’ve been counting down the days since I first found out I was pregnant, at about four weeks, crossing off each day as it comes. Although most of the time it feels like time is dragging by (probably because I’m still feeling sick), when I look back I realize how quickly the time is actually passing.

As I’m nearing the mid-point of pregnancy, I’m starting to realize there is so much to do, and not as much time as I thought we had to do it all. But I know we will get everything done, even if it’s a mad rush at the end.

So much has happened in these last four months and I think that Tobias and I are finally somewhat adjusted to me being pregnant. We have gone from finding it hard to really grasp, to trying to adjust to the difficulties that have come with my being sick, to finally settling into a groove. Boy, God knows what he’s doing when he gives you nine months to prepare for a baby! (Especially for a first baby.)

-Tania

I started to write this post two days ago, but then I threw up.

This week I began the 13th week of my pregnancy and the beginning of my second trimester.

Well, my motion-sickness feeling has seemed to have subsided, but now I am throwing up at least once a day, and sometimes twice a day. These last few days it has been like clockwork: wake up and a few minutes later throw up. I’ve been having a hard time keeping food down, and when I don’t throw it up (because I am only having tiny portions), I feel like I am going to.

Oh well. I guess these are the joys of pregnancy.

Still, I am thankful that I am not experiencing the things my mother did: fainting and throwing up the whole first 5 months. I am sure my father has a lot of stories he could tell about those times!

But my vomiting escapade has only begun recently. It seems like every week my body acts completely different. Nevertheless, I am so happy to put the first trimester past us and am ready for the challenges that this next trimester will bring. In late August, we will get to find out the sex of the baby (if he/she is not shy, that is). And in a few months I will start really showing and won’t have to feel self-conscious of my little pouch or unconsciously hold my belly in. And a few months after that we will get to meet our little Peanut! We can’t wait!

My thoughts so far are that pregnancy is hard and I sure am thankful that I have such a loving and supportive hubby. I know watching me go through this has been really hard for him and we both can’t wait until I start feeling better!

- Tania

I thought I’d share with you all a short letter I wrote for the The Shepherd’s House Sunday morning bulletin:

“Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!” - Psalm 100:1

I am a father!

Armed with fresh eight-week ultrasound pictures, I’ll be spending most of this week showing and telling everyone I know—and some of those I don’t—that my wife, Tania, is pregnant with our first baby! But how can a group of words describe the feelings of a first-time father? How can my lack of outward expressiveness possibly convey the bubbling in my heart? It cannot. Oh, who cares, I’ll try anyway—joy! Joy!

The joy I feel floods all of me, but it is not the only feeling in me: doubt creeps in; self cries out complaining. There is a tiny baby, a brand new little person, already depending on me while still growing inside my beautiful wife. And now everything I do is overshadowed by a child smaller than my pinky finger. How I treat my wife, how I provide for her, how I love her, impacts this little baby she carries. My old stuff in the spare room—the mountain of old band equipment, spare computer parts, and baseball cards—aren’t compatible with a newborn’s nursery. My passions, dreams, and my plans to improve the world weren’t designed with a “dependent” in mind. Baby Bjorns just aren’t my style and a car seat would hardly fit next to the golf clubs in my sports car. Self is afraid.

But a tiny heart beats.

And now, somehow, it all seems so short-sighted. My life was far more self-centered than I ever realized. Now, along with my wife, I’ve been granted the momentous responsibility of shepherding a new person into this world. Think of it for a moment: every thought you’ve ever had, sight you’ve ever seen, sound you’ve ever heard, word you’ve ever said, unknown you’ve ever feared, challenge you’ve ever overcome, tear you’ve ever shed, person you’ve ever loved—this is your world, your existence as you experience it, your everything. Now I’m an appointed guide for my child into this everything, this everything that still frightens me! It all threatens to overwhelm me.

“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:30

I am a father.

This is a heavy, heavy responsibility. But the weight of this responsibility is made light by the knowledge of the tremendous blessing: God, ever on the throne, has allowed me to be a daddy. And this yoke I know I will not carry alone. God hands out often heavy gifts, but His hand will always linger to help carry them.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” - Jeremiah 1:5a

I am a father.

And I have no clue. How can I possibly raise a child? I can’t even remember where I left my keys most mornings. But God, infinite in wisdom and knowledge, limitless in love, knows my baby. He sees my child growing inside the womb. His plans for Little Flattery were already in place. This brings me confidence and comfort when looking ahead at my path as a parent because I don’t have to know all the answers—God already does. So I’m sticking close to Him!

Full of joy,
Tobias

Well, today I am exactly 10 weeks! I hope that I am completely average in my pregnancy experiences, because that would mean I only have two to three more weeks of morning sickness. I am so tired of feeling queasy or throwing up every day. So far pregnancy has not been fun.

Some of you have asked, “Oh, aren’t you excited?”, or said, “It’s going to be so much fun!” Well, actually, so far “fun” has been the one thing I have not experienced! I guess it’s hard to be excited when you’re feeling sick. Oh well!

Don’t get me wrong, though. In my heart I really am excited and overjoyed that Tobias and I are getting to partner with God in bringing a new life—a life with endless possibilities—into this world. I’m sure once I get past this first trimester I will be able to enjoy our pregnancy. So, I am anxiously waiting for 12 weeks to come so I can get on with the next phase of our pregnancy—when I can actually feel pregnant (whatever that feels like) and not just sick.

I can’t believe I told a friend of mine, “I want to have morning sickness.” (I’d read that it could mean a lower risk of miscarriage.) Of course she just laughed and probably thought, “Uh-huh, yeah, just wait.”

Having said all that, I am thankful and grateful—no matter what I have to go through—that my wonderful hubby and I are having a baby!

Tania

My Spidey-senses are tingling…I sense the question being asked, “Why did you share at 8 weeks?”

Well, this question is actually one of two possible questions: “Why did you share so soon?”, or, “Why did you share so late?” More than likely, if you asked, you asked the first one. If you asked the second one, you’re probably an eager grandparent!

Just for fun–and maybe it’ll be helpful to someone–I’ll explain how Tania and I decided to share at 8 weeks, and our general thoughts about this first big decision parents are faced with. Some people will disagree with us, but that’s life right? Who wants friends or family who agree on everything anyway?

The “prevailing wisdom” seems to be to not share with everyone until after the first trimester of pregnancy, or after about three months. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, so why share with everyone, get them all excited, get yourself all excited, and then have to share again that you lost your baby? That’s a lot of pain. So, instead of risking that, just be patient and wait until the biggest risk time-period is over. Right?

Well, we think that can be wise too.

However, our own independent research (Yeah, yeah, that means internet sites. But only reputable ones, and also our hospital literature and other books.) and our thinking tells us that this isn’t the only thing to consider, and that it may too simplified. Women under 35 have about a 15-20% chance of miscarriage, and a large percentage of miscarriages are those are so early you can’t tell until it’s too late anyway. That risk goes up as you get older, but we aren’t that age quite yet. Also, ultrasound technology is much more common now. By looking at ultrasounds, doctors can usually tell weeks in advance if miscarriage is a risk. Seeing your baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound at ten weeks (our hospital does it at eight weeks instead), drops the risk of miscarriage immensely because most babies lost to miscarriage don’t get to that point. We had an ultrasound at six weeks, where we saw little Peanut’s heartbeat. Then, at eight weeks, still before we shared with all but a few, we saw that Peanut’s heartbeat was strong and that growth was spot-on for eight weeks. From a medical risk perspective, we felt comfortable enough to share at eight weeks, about two months.

But that’s medical stuff and I’m not even a doctor. Heck, I still use napkins and scotch tape to make band-aids sometimes…

The other considerations of ours were these:

• Waiting can be wise, but it comes with its own stress. This varies depending on each person. Be wise about how long you choose to wait.
• Every time a friend or family member asks us “So, pregnant yet?” during our not-ready-to-share time period, we have to cleverly avoid or deflect the question, since we still believe lying is wrong. We actually devised canned deflection statements and little avoidance strategies just for these questions. This is a pain in the butt. And if we unsuccessfully deflect the question, the cat is out of the bag anyway.
• Every time you share the news with someone, no matter how close they are to you, you increase the probability of the news spreading. And new-baby news spreads like a brush fire. So at what point is sharing with a “select few” in reality sharing with an unselected many?
• If we did miscarry, we’d want the support of those close to us.
• We believe a baby is a person–just a really young person. So, how long do we want to deprive this person of prayers, which we also believe in?
• For us, this is a big one: we want to celebrate this little person’s life, even though the tragic possibility exists that this life could be cut short–but this is also true of every day outside the womb. We wouldn’t want to act as if our baby, a little person, did not ever live. By celebrating little Peanut, even by maintaining this blog and sharing with you all, we feel we are giving richer life to our baby.

So, because we felt medically confident, compelled to honor our little Peanut, and excited to share with those we love, we chose eight weeks as the time to share!

But after all that, we want to be humble–we know we’re at the beginning of learning how to be parents. Honestly, I’m just as afraid as any young parent. Miscarrying would be a nightmare, and one I couldn’t fully grasp. We know that we can’t see the future, so we continue to pray daily for little Peanut’s health and safety, and for Tania’s as well. You do the best you can, then you fold your hands and look up, right?

Closing thoughts:

• I think the only big question for us was when to share with our friends and family outside of a select handful who we had planned to share with early on. It’s not “when to let the cat out of the bag”, but more like “when to let the cat out of the neighborhood.”
• You never really know the future anyway, so do your best, pray, and trust God.
• Don’t forget that you, as parents, aren’t the only persons in the equation–there’s a little person inside the womb. (I realize not everyone will agree with us here, though I think you would, if you really pondered it enough. Forgive my arrogance!)
• After all your careful thought and logical arguments, joys or tragedies of the heart will probably determine any future decisions, and absolutely understandably so.

-T